Alone Again, Naturally

When it rains, it pours. Such an old-fashioned cliche, but sometimes, it really does happen.

For two straight weeks, I've been learning of many of my friends' relationship breakups. One story after another on how their relationship ended.

I was a witness to each couples' happy moments. I was watching behind the sidelines, wishing that yes, someday, someday I'm going to be that too..God's best in God's time.

"I can't take it anymore, he/she suffocates me..", "I don't know what happened, why? why? why?", "I gave up a lot for him/her, and this is how he/she repays me.."

Hearing these lines, I feel affected by their pain, I feel these lines screaming from the grave. Yes, the grave. No exaggeration. It's coming from the grave of an all-too familiar soul who somehow swore not to fall so hard, but dumb enough to repeat past mistakes over and over again.

I told myself to be detached with these breakup stories. But building a wall takes a lot more energy than tearing it down; and the fact that they're my friends, I can honestly feel how painful it is to be in their shoes right now.

Confused. Angry. Sad. melancholic. Wishing the past would come back. Feeling like a rush of bullet train ran them over.

This makes me more scared. I told some of the girl-friends that the joy of being with someone doesn't compensate enough for the hurt you realize afterwards. Crummy way to look at love, in terms of ROI.

I was scared before; now I'm terrified even more. What makes me tick and angry at myself is why can't I shake this off?

And like a firefly to a flame...